Sarcasm is the Lowest Form of Humor

I don't know who wrote or said that, but I can see why sarcasm bugs some people. That being said, I have found that I have been using it more lately, it bugs me a little. At work I seem to be more sarcastic than I normally am by a large margin. Maybe it is time to get a new job. Well, actually it is long past time--we need more money than what I can make as a shop monkey. I mean I like the shop, but I can tell I spend too much time there and that my heart is less in it than it should be. I still try and give just about everyone my best effort but there are little things that make me kind of make me realize that my attitude is changing for the worse.

Tonight was an example. A nice fellow came up to me and asked "How do I tell what size stem I need without my bike here?" He wasn't sure if his handlebar was oversized or not nor did he know what size steerer tube he had. It seems silly to have come in with no idea about what his bike had on it, but nevertheless, rather than ask a question about how old the bike was, the make and model, I just spouted off this totally lame remark, "Tarot Cards." Yeah, kind of immature and stupid. I did in a totally deadpan manner and he just stared at me for a second before I said I started asking the sort of questions I should have been asking without the sarcastic comment. I did try to go the extra mile with him from there because I felt a little ashamed that I would say something like that--it wasn't really even funny. Well maybe a little, but not much. I figured it out and he bought a stem and a bunch of other stuff that I tempted him with.

This sort of sarcastic/lame remark seems to happen about once per shift. Sometimes to employees and increasingly to customers. Sometimes it sort of surprises me. Usually the comment is the result of something odd or silly that the customer brings up.

Yesterday a totally whacky guy comes in needing advice. He finished an olympic distance triathlon last Sunday with a road bike that cost him less than $200 bucks, and it was even new when he bought it. Yeah, the bike is horrible, I actually can't believe they sell this crap at any department store even. He is proud that he has spent so little money on it. However, he wants some tools, Slime tubes, a seat pack, and some other stuff and is about ready to drop $130. Good for him, seriously. I respect him despite his whackiness, because the guy knows it is crap, but wants to ride it anyway and figures he will lose some more weight before buying something newer/better. Then as we head to the check out stand something odd happens. The guy is nearing 50 years old by the look of it, he is white and fairly clean-cut and wearing average joe type cloths. Other than the fact that he talks in a somewhat effiminate way he seems like an average guy for that age. But then he wants to fist bump with me like Howie Mandel on "Deal or No Deal" because he is "stoked" about the service I gave him. Yeah, he raised his fist in my direction wanting me to connect my fist with his fist. Yeah, I should have given him a fist somewhere and not where he wanted it either. But I was so taken off guard that I just went ahead and bumped fists with him. It made me uncomfortable. I am a guy that does not like physical contact with others that I don't know. Close talkers make me nervous, so actually skin to skin contact is a no-no. Shaking hands is fine, but for some reason a fist bump was too random to do with a stranger. It bugged.

As I am ringing him up, I ask him if he is a Team Performance member. "No" he says, but he "hopes that we consider him a part of the family, even though he is not on the 'Team'." I said "Sure, consider yourself the family bastard--we are glad to help you, just keep it to yourself." Yeah, I said that. Do you know what he did? He laughed loud enough that it startled the mechanics in the back. He thought it was great. This statement may seem like a risk when reading it here, but for some reason I knew he would roll with it. It was also my way of getting back at him for making me fist bump with him a couple of minutes earlier. Still a month or two ago I would not have said that statement. Maybe I am just feeling too comfortable with the job, but more likely I am bored.

I talked to the guy I interviewed with at a firm downtown this morning. A very nice phone call where I simply was pumping him for info on when I would hear back from them regarding possible employment. Next week the partners of the firm will meet and discuss this employment possibility. Please, please let me get this job before I go crazy working retail.

Regarding the Previous Post

I neglected to write what prompted the thoughts about my Vikingman time in the previous post. Just days prior I was really mainly worried about finishing. Then I talked to Mr. Jerk Triathlete last Saturday.

I was at the shop and this yahoo, who looks like he is in his late 40's and is in pretty good shape, comes in and asks about changing his gearing so that he can climb better. I ask what gearing he currently has and he shrugs his shoulders and says, "It is a Cannondale System Six." He had no idea, but he thought that the mention of the bike would automatically clue me in to what his exact set up was. No, that info doesn't help, and he just dropped a notch in my eyes. I don't memorize bike specs and also each model comes with different parts spec's so who knows what he has, I sure didn't. But underlying that was this notion that because he has a Cannondale System Six, he had the best out there, because of the way he said it. Anyway, I got past that and gave him some options in case his bike was spec'd with a standard crankset with a 130 BCD or a compact crankset with a 110 BCD. If you don't know the difference, don't worry about it as it is not important in the story. And I also explained the differences in cassettes and why he couldn't use a mountain cassette on his road bike unless he also went with a mountain rear derailleur. Whatever, like I said, it doesn't really matter in this story except that the guy is not a cycling expert, definitely not a PRO sort of guy at all, at least not in the realm of cycling.

But apparently he knows all about triathlons. He purposely let it slip that he was going to do a full Ironman and that it was his second one. He has also done about a dozen half-ironman distance tri's. I told him that my first half ironman distance was going to be this Saturday. He got all excited suddenly. He started asking if I knew about tactics, hydration, nutrition, salt tablets, etc. Then I made the mistake of telling him that I was mainly worried about the swim. I told him about the training I had been doing for the swim and he said I would be fine, but gave me 5 minutes worth of advice anyway. Then he asked about the bike, and I said I wasn't worried about that. Then he said, "What about the run? You look kinda chunky for the run."
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Huh?

What did you just say?

I am sorry, but I don't even know your name and you are already busting on me for being overweight?

Yeah, but he was oblivious to the diss. To him it was just a fact and not a diss. I am fat and I should therefore be worried about the run. Then he just kept going on and on about tri's and his strategies. He then went on to state that sprint and olympic distance tri's were NOT real tri's at all. They were too easy and didn't really push a person.

I asked him what his times were for the Ironman he did and the half ironman events he had done previously. He said he usually finished around 5:45 for the half and he said 13:30 for the full ironman. This just sort of slipped by me until later when I was relating this story to Fish. When I told Fish the story and then related the guy's times he just started laughing. He stated that the guy was slow for a real "triathlete" or pretty average overall. Fish then explained that it was guys like this that give him reason to only say that he does triathlons, instead of saying that he is a triathlete. "Triathletes", he says, tend to be pompous idiots like this guy. That is when I started to wonder if I could beat any of these "triathletes."

Don't know if I can, but that guy lit a fire under my butt. And thus yesterday's post.

To clarify the obvious, I don't have a triathlete's build. I am 6'1" and about 200 lbs. I don't look fat, but I need to lose 20 lbs to get to where I would like to be. But at the same time, I obviously am not dedicated enough to lose it fast because I am not losing very much weight lately, if at all (working at Performance has reawakened my love of fatty hamburgers and french fries with 3 burger place within a 1/4 mile of the shop)

However, if you want to see chubby, look below. This was about 5 years ago soon after the birth of Number One Son. I was almost 40 lbs heavier than I am now






















This is a pic from a couple of months ago. I haven't gained or lost much since this pic. Behind me is my younger brother and Number One Son and Number Two Son are also pictured.


Frankly, compared to 5 years ago, I look stellar. It has been a fairly gradual weight loss too, which I feel pretty good about. I would like to get near 180, but for now, I am feeling pretty good. I want to lose more weight and I would definitely feel better if I did. But regardless, the Jerk Triathlete can get bent.